"It sucks you don’t have internet right now, everyone's online. We're in a chat."
"Who’s everyone?"
"Our group of friends."
"Who's our group of friends?"
Daphne laughed. I basically knew all of who she was going to say, but I was just making sure I wasn't forgetting anybody. "Tiffany, Momo, Maryam, and," she fumbled with the name, "M... Michael, too."

We don't really consider Michael in our 'group of friends' anymore, but apparently he was in the chat that time. The way she said the name was obviously hesitant, as though questioning if I was okay with the fact she mentioned him. After our fight the previous night, I was wondering as much as she was if I was, in fact, okay with him.

I made nothing of what she said -- not out loud, anyways. I didn't bring up the fight, but that was probably because she already knew about it. She already told me I shouldn't have even bothered with him at all; everyone else had realized his true colors long ago, I was still the only one who had any hope that he wasn't really like that. But he was. He definitely was.

"Why was Michael there?"
"Oh, I really just didn’t feel like talking to him one-on-one."

There was no point in talking about him, we both knew. He wasn't worth our breath. So we moved on to subjects that didn't make you want to claw your brains out.

However, in my head I was thinking about how it actually shocked me how much the things he said hurt. The way he so easily dismissed a major event in my life like I had just told him I dropped some ice cream -- and if that were the case, I think he might've actually shown more interest. Yes, that was a lame attempt at an insult.

It really made me think whether he ever really cared about me. And I mean, me. I think he cared about me before because I made him happy, but now that I don't hold any particular significance in his life, I don't think he actually cares about me or what happens to me. I honestly believe that.

I also believe he will never do anything to prove me otherwise, even if he were to know what I really think about him.

What kind of person can be like that? What kind of person can know what you're going through and just not care in the least bit, even go as far to not even bother to reply when you tell them about it?

It baffles me. I never thought he was actually that self-involved; that much of a pathetic, predictable ass. I really never did -- until now. And it's still so hard for me to realize he's like that, even when I have all of this undeniable evidence looking me straight in the eye.

I find myself really wishing that bad things happen to him. I find myself hoping karma exists, so after everything he put me through, he can get some of it back. He's a horrible fucking person, he really is. And he was my first love.

What a goddamn waste.

"Whatever, I hope he’s okay."
"Go fuck yourself."

That's the last thing said between us. And that's going to remain the last thing said between us unless he contacts me, because I'm done trying to be "friends" with him. That's it.

I remember when I would relate The Special Two by Missy Higgins to him. Now, thinking about him plays Smile by Lily Allen in my head. And a bunch of other songs that basically say: you’re the worst person ever, I hope your death is a very painful one.

Meanwhile, tonight I found out my sister and her boyfriend are in love, to a point where they actually see themselves having lives together in the future. She said they're going to go to college together and such.

Wow.

I hope they do stay together. I really like Andrew.

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Alright, I suppose I'm due for an update.

New York was interesting. Though it's not really what's on my mind right now, so I'll tell you guys about that later.

Well, to start off, Michael is definitely one of the biggest wastes of my time, ever. I really have absolutely no idea how I keep getting involved with him time and time again, even when I make a point of keeping him no closer than an arm's length.

However, he managed to needle his way back into my life. Which was fine seeing as I had gotten completely over him and the mention of his name didn't make me want to fork my ears out anymore, but then, as soon as I begin to get close to other guys, he has the audacity to say that he wants to give us another shot? That he misses me? That he has changed for the better?

Well, there are two things I can say that sure as hell have not changed at all: the first of being, of course, Michael himself. The second one being my tendency not to listen to my own words. I told myself time and time again he would pull the same shit, but I managed to convince myself that "maybe we were right for each other, we just made mistakes" and that he sounded "sincere" this time.

But I know it's not like that. The only time he seems like any sort of decent human being is when he's interested in me. Which means, he only cares when it benefits him. Which highlights points I've made in past entries: he cares only about himself.

Anyways, we had plans to hang this Sunday, and he had made a huge point of "wanting to be close friends" and all this bullshit, saying he still wanted to come over, then when I asked him if he still intended to last night, he said "right now, no, because I'm tired (yeah, I thought it was the stupidest excuse ever too) but when I'm not tired, maybe yeah."

So anyways, I asked him again today if he was coming, and of course he said, "I guess not."

I had been talking to my friend at the time when he asked me if I had an answer to as whether I could go with him on Sunday, so I go, "I'll just text my friend, hold on. But you can count on me going, I'm almost positive he's going to bail on me."

I swear, he is the most predictable motherfucker I have ever met. I don't think I've ever been in a situation with him that he didn't do EXACTLY what I thought he would. Which is bad, because I always expect the worst from people. At least he never lets me down, then! Hah.

Anyways, I had been saying that seeing as I've gotten over him, I would give him another chance if he wanted 'cause I see him as a whole new person now. Well, I take that back. I did see him as a whole new person for a little, but then he proved to be the exact same guy who lied to me, cheated on me, then ditched me to get stoned.

The only difference this time is, I'm not hurting because of it. Actually, it amuses me greatly to see how pathetically in love with himself he is.

I can tell you one thing, the only chicks he's ever going to be able to get are the kind with no brains. The ones who will stay with a guy even if he's cheating on her because she "needs someone to hold hands with." Or younger girls, whose reason of being into him will either be completely or at least a good portion of the fact he's older and somewhat cute.

Which, honestly, I don't think he'll mind at all.

However, I don't dislike him. I just don't really care about him. I think it's the fact that he treats me like trash unless he's into me that has finally swayed me into completely not caring. Even if he called me saying that he was getting back into drugs, I'd probably just congratulate him and hang up.

Meanwhile, Zander likes me as much as ever, which is driving me insane. But I think once school starts, he'll have less time to tell me I'm amazing and more time with other girls, so that'll pass. I hope.

Also, remember those distant times when Dawson's Creek Kyle still existed? Well, one night we had this really long conversation about religion, beliefs, such things. He ended up pointing out lyrics to some song that had the same basic idea as what we were saying, and proceeded to using them as an away message more often than not.

When we... fell out, I suppose I should say, he stopped using them. I don't know why. Then today I saw he was using them again. It's probably nothing, but I'm a girl, so I couldn't help but mention.

Meanwhile I'm going to make my friend watch Moulin Rouge with me tomorrow and it'll be awesome. Surround sound, man. Woo!

Pictures from New York will be uploaded soon. Pictures are uploaded.

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I am staying on NuTang mainly because Dilated convinced me to but also because, well, I want to. So, screw whoever is reading this. I've nothing to hide! Er.. kinda.

Anyways, I'm leaving to go to New York tomorrow. I'll be gone until Thursday, which means I'll probably provide you all with an update on Friday. I won't have internet access up there.

I'm looking forward to the trip mainly because it's only for a couple of days. I hate going up to New York for long periods of time (like when I went up there for the entire summer however many years ago) because it inevitably gets very boring. So, a couple days is perfect.

However during those years I hung out with this kid, Thomas, while I was up there. My granparents lived in a small apartment community thing, which is also where he lived, so he came to expect me every summer. Until my grandparents moved into a house. I wonder how he's doing...

Meanwhile, Michael, again, doesn't like me. Though whatever, I'm not actually upset about it because this time he told me himself instead of my finding out through someone saying, "Hey, did you know Michael made out with that ugly whore chick in the 8th grade?"

On a different note, I bought three books today, which made me happy. I plan on reading them on the plane. No distractions -- woo.

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My apologies, but I may have to abandon my NuTang.

I've found out that some people I'd really prefer to stay out of my life have been reading along. How they got the link, I don't know. But it's very annoying. Why can't people realize that I just want a place for me and the select few people I choose to share it with?

Maybe I need to vent somewhere where I feel it's safe to vent. Why can't they just leave that alone?

Anyways, considering NuTang is a blogging community (which I previously loved) so there's no way to put my entries on friends-only, the only way of not sharing every aspect of my life with said unwanted readers is to stop using it.

Ech.

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